On this day one year ago at 3:56 pm our lives changed forever. I will never forget the knock on the door telling me this horrible news that we lost our beautiful Brittany (B Lap) , our free spirited, gypsy soul, full of life, daughter, sister, niece, granddaughter, cousin, friend. I was in disbelief, in shock my worst fear as a mother, had came like a thief in the night. On this day she was taken from our world and lifted up to heaven and reunited with her baby Boy Ayden.
A year ago , plus a few days my daughter was 24 the last time I held her hand, in the up stairs room of a funeral home.
She was 24 the last time I kissed her and told her I love her.
As I held her hand for almost an hour as I apologized to her, at that moment I felt I failed her as a mother..
I told her that I would miss her terribly, and that my life would never be the same. I knew at that moment I would never see her smile again, talk to her, argue, laugh, cry with her. Even if we didn’t always see eye to eye we had love for one another.
She was my first child.
She was the child who made me a mother.
She was the one who taught me both the incredible joy, and the unbearable pain of being a mother.
She will never marry, or have another child to fill the void from the loss of her only son.
As I studied her face, as I held her hand. I looked for anything that might make this all just a terrible mistake…..but it wasn’t.
I wondered what I could have done to have changed her outcome.
Our outcome….this intense, incredible, and indescribable pain.
Her death. And now a year later i’m still searching for a way to be okay. With all our love to you Britt Nicole
Until we meet again………..